You insulted me just now, Allan. Haven’t I told you beautiful things about the tiny little Kingdom of the Oranges? Don’t you already know about the beauty of Amsterdam and its weed-based feasting culture? You have the chance to go to Europe and you choose for England, that island full of conservative idiots brexing away from the great Europe? France, okay, I will go there myself in a week, to the countryside of course (you either go to Paris or to the campagne). And now that they have become the Medium Big Republic of the Cookie, there is hope again. But our English is way better. (We always cite the French captain of the plane that should fly us to Washington DC. He told us about a delay: ‘laydiezz and dzjentelmennn, we ar verrry sorry, but zer izza deley. Zer is a gooz in ze enzjin!’)

I know you are a satirist, meaning you are not fully responsible for your deeds, but you made the wrong choice. And you pose the wrong questions too. Here are better options:

In England:

  • Do you agree the Brexit is a totally stupid and fatal decision now you know Drumpf complimented you for it?
  • Did you know Shakespeare was A Dutchman?
  • Why is it you drink enormous pints of a lewd concoction you call beer while there is Heineken beer?
  • What is the road to the loo to?
  • Are you prepared to accept an asylum request of Melania?
  • Who is a bigger asshole: Drumpf or Farage? OK, that is too hard to solve. Let’s skip this one.
  • Where is the nearest pub? Do they have pub grub? Can I join a pub quiz?
  • Why is Nelson on top of a statue?

In France:

  • Do you mind me calling you frogs? Would you know why in heaven we called you frogs in the first place? Where can I eat cuisses de grenouille?
  • Can you show me the house of Maigret? Is his pipe still there? Can I smoke it?
  • Do you know Picasso was Spanish even if he lived in the Rue des Grands Augustins and preferred French spouses and mattresses ( eh, maîtresses)
  • Is your new president a cookie?
  • Why are y’all traveling to Amsterdam all the time to smoke pot while you have the greatest collection of liver poisoning liquors in the world?
  • Who do you think is the most dangerous politician in the world: Marianne le Pen or Drumphe? OK, that’s too easy. Let’s skip this one.

Allan, most American tourists ‘do’ Europe in a week. They visit Rome, Venice, Amsterdam, Volendam, de Afsluitdijk, Paris, Madrid and London. You are lazy, with all due respect.

Friend of life and beauty and foe of spoilers of life and beauty. Golden marriage. Grandfather. Pianist and micro poet. Dutch, European.

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